


L'homme Fort

by seapigeon



Series: The Strong Man [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes's Plums, Dementia, Depression, Diary/Journal, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Growing Old Together, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Man Out of Time, Musings On Immortality, Old Men Communicating Badly, Sad and Happy, Suicide Attempt, World War III
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-18 12:17:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14212977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seapigeon/pseuds/seapigeon
Summary: 12 Oct 2072It’s nice, you know.  Bucky never tells me I should see a doctor or take a pill or get over it.  He just lets me be sad.  As long as I eat and wash and go outside sometimes, he lets me be.Oh, don’t worry, he watches me.  He’s not stupid or careless.  Some days I wish he was.But I can’t leave him, I know.I’m never leaving him again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> You don't necessarily need to have read Part I of this series in order to read this one, but it will make more sense if you do.
> 
> Yes, there is the dreaded MCD in this, but it's natural MCD at the end of a long life. Kind of hard to avoid since this is a story about the pains of immortality. 
> 
> You will need some tissues.
> 
> Parts of this are in French so apologies for errors, and translations will be provided.

I.

  


_2 Sept 2146_

  


_J'ai vécu cent ans sans guerre._

  


That was how the last entry started.

 

_I have lived a hundred years without war._

  


Yes.Two years ago was the hundredth anniversary of the end of the last world war.That meant it had been two years since Steve wrote an entry in this journal.That was why the garden was so overgrown, the tabletops and furniture enrobed in dust.Steve was gone.

The rest of the entry was in English.

  


_Sam used to make fun of me for my long swims.Where’d you go today, huh?Corsica?Africa?The Strait of Gibraltar?_

_I never went that far, because I would start to miss him.I should have told him that.Maybe I did.It’s been so long.I don’t remember._

_Today I think I’ll swim to Corsica._

  


That was it.

Bruce pulled up a map.It was over a hundred miles of open water from here to Corsica.If anyone could do it, it was Steve, but he kind of thought swimming to Corsica was a metaphor for something else.

He knew he was right, later, when a sweep of the property revealed three headstones.On the left, a weathered stone.

  


_Samuel T. Wilson, PJ_

_United States Air Force_

_8/16/1981 - 5/8/2072_

_Whenever, wherever, whatever._

  


  


And the right, a more recent marker, made by hand.

  


_Sgt. James Buchanan Barnes_

_United States Army_

_3/10/1917 - 11/11/2127_

_To the end of the line._

  


  


And in the middle, between them:

 

_Cpt. Steven Grant Rogers_

_United States Army_

_7/4/1918 - 9/2/2146_

_May peace endure._

  


Steve wasn’t in that grave, but it didn’t really matter.Wherever he was, he wasn’t coming back.


	2. Chapter 2

II.

 

_1 Sept 2046_

 

_It’s over.They’ve signed the armistice._

 

_I don’t know how many more times I can do this.When will we learn?_

 

_Is there anything left to fight over?_

 

_Maybe next time we’ll go back to spears, slingshots, bow & arrow._

 

_Ah, that makes me think of Clint.I’d trade a thousand of these tin soldiers for one of him.Or even just a moment to look him in the face and tell him how good he is, as a man, a father, a friend.A good soldier is worth a lot, but a good man is priceless._

 

 

 

_5 Sept 2046_

 

_Sam says I’m angry and I need to cool my shit.I’m sure he’s right.I can’t help it, though.We’ve ruined everything._

 

 

_3 Oct 2046_

 

_I won’t do this again.The war is over for me._

 

 

_25 Dec 2046_

 

_They’ve struck religious holidays from all official calendars.You’re still allowed to celebrate whichever ones you want, but the world’s governments will no longer recognize them as different from any other day.It’s part of the effort to ensure new governments don’t become radical theocracies, which led to this whole mess._

_Merry Christmas, I guess._

 

 

_1 Jan 2047_

 

_I feel like I can breathe now._

 

 

_10 Mar 2047_

 

_Bucky’s 130 today.He says it’s stupid to keep track and I agree._

 

 

_18 Mar 2047_

 

_Starting the garden.Bucky wants plums, so we planted a few stones back by the southeast edge.He’ll have to wait a few years for them to bear, but as always, all we got is time._

 

 

_4 July 2047_

 

_I’m 129 years old today.There, are you happy, Sam?I wrote it down.Yes, you’ve been dicking me for 33 years, as you so eloquently put it, which is the same as your age when we first met.And yes, you still fuck like you’re 33.But the cake doesn’t look any more like a hummingbird than it did in 2014.You’re a shit cake decorator.Stick to carpentry, old man._

 

_16 Aug 2047_

 

_Sam’s b-day.He’s home in Baltimore, or what’s left of it.His mama is sick, probably the radiation and old age, he says.I want to be there, but his family doesn’t like me very much.They refer to me as his ‘friend’.They still haven’t accepted that we’re married, or that he’s gay._

_I’ll respect their desire to pretend I don’t exist.I just wish he didn’t have to be alone.I know how hard it is to watch your mama slip away.I had Bucky, at least._

 

 

_17 Aug 2047_

 

_Oh, fuck it!I’m going.They can hate me and what I represent all they want.I’m still gonna be there for Sam._

 

 

_1 Sept 2047_

 

_One year of peace._

 

_Sam’s mama died a few days ago.He’s crushed.I’m crushed for him.I still miss my mama.Don’t care how pathetic that makes me._

 

_I can only hope that we mended some fences before she left.I think we might have._

 

 

_24 Dec 2047_

 

_Sam was going to take apart this ancient upright piano that he found for the wood, but Bucky freaked out and stopped him.Turns out he learned how to play, not that he can remember where or when.As beat up as it looks, the thing is mostly in tune, and Bucky played us every Christmas carol he could think of.He even sang a few.I haven’t heard him sing since 1944.Not ashamed to admit that I cried.He just told me to stop being a sap._

 

 

The entry for 30 June 2051 was a pair of sketches shaded in with colored pencils.The first was a still-life of a plum with a bite taken out of it, and the second was Bucky Barnes picking plums, in shorts and flip flops and nothing else.Steve had rendered the spot where metal met flesh in exquisite detail.So, too, had he rendered the loose contentment of his posture and his face.He drew Bucky the same way he drew Sam (there were dozens of sketches of Sam).With love. 

 

_1 Sept 2071_

 

_25 years of peace.Can we actually do this?I don’t want to get my hopes up, but at the same time, I do._

 

 

_4 Nov 2071_

 

_Sam had a fall today.He’s ok, just a bump on the head.Yelled at me for trying to baby him._

_It scared me.I don't want to live without him.He still looks 20 years younger than he is, but he’s a nonagenarian now, no matter how he tries to hide it._

_I hate this.I want to be old with him.I want our bones to creak together and to have to scream at one another to be heard._

_If I had known, in 1942, that it would be like this, I might not have done it._

 

 

_8 May 2072_

 

The handwriting here was different.Not Steve’s.

 

_Sam left us this evening.He laid down for a nap before dinner and never woke up.Steve is inconsolable.I don’t know what I’m going to do.If there’s even anything I CAN do._

_I’ve never lost anyone like this.I never let anyone get close enough to be a loss.Sam is the first.It hurts, but I know it’s nothing compared to how Steve feels._

_Maybe I’ll understand when Steve goes.If we can go at all._

_Are you less human if you can’t die?_

_Doesn’t matter, I’ve been less human for a long time.But I want to be as much as I can for Steve._

 

 

_27 May 2072_

 

_He went peacefully.There was no pain.Just drifted away._

_I know it was the right time.He wouldn’t have wanted to lose his independence.Wouldn’t have wanted to be taken care of by me._

_58 years.All of my second century, so far._

_What am I supposed to do without you?_

 

 

The paper was rippled with tears, and Bruce had to blink back his own.

 

 

_3 June 2072_

 

_Your one sister who’s still living, Kendra, and your nieces and nephews and their kids and their kid’s kids came to visit your grave.They’re all gorgeous and so damn smart._

_You’d be happy to know that the younger generations of your family think it’s pretty damn cool that we were married.Kendra, too._

_I just thought of it now, but I was literally married to (their) Uncle Sam._

 

 

_4 July 2072_

 

_I’m 154 years old today.Bucky sang to me.He has such a beautiful voice._

_I miss you, Sam.I miss you so much._

 

 

 

_16 Aug 2072_

 

_You would have been 91.Maybe, in heaven, you age in reverse, so you’re really 89._

_I sound like a child._

_Bucky didn’t make me get out of bed today, but he did make me eat.He’s taking good care of me.You’d be proud of him._

 

 

_12 Oct 2072_

 

_It’s nice, you know.Bucky never tells me I should see a doctor or take a pill or get over it.He just lets me be sad.As long as I eat and wash and go outside sometimes, he lets me be._

_Oh, don’t worry, he watches me.He’s not stupid or careless.Some days I wish he was._

_But I can’t leave him, I know._

_I’m never leaving him again._

 

 

_22 Nov 2072_

 

_A bad storm broke off the bottom end of the ocean steps again.I smiled thinking about you grumbling and cussing like you did every other time that happened._

_I think my face muscles are out of practice._

 

 

_25 Dec 2072_

 

_Just when I think I can do this, I can’t._

 

 

_31 Dec 2072_

 

_Skirmish today in Bangladesh.Over what?I don’t know._

 

_26 years.Is this all we get?_

 

 

_1 Jan 2073_

 

_Cease fire.Luckily no one was killed._

_Tony and Pepper’s daughter is leading the UN talks.She’s brilliant.Seems to have Pepper’s temperament and people skills, thank God.Sorry, Tony._

 

 

_13 April 2073_

 

_The garden is a mess.My fault.Bucky is helping me beat it into submission._

_Right about now you’d be making something amazing with the spring peas._

 

 

_8 May 2073_

 

_It’s been a year.Still feels like yesterday you were here telling me I was the old man._

 

 

_8 May 2074_

 

_Two years.I still miss you so bad, but it’s been better.I’ve been able to smile and laugh and feel alive.It gets me at random times but I cry it out and pick myself up and go on._

_This must have been what it was like for you, when you lost Riley._

 

 

_11 Sept 2074_

 

_Bucky kissed me.I…_

 

 

_13 Sept 2074_

 

_I am horrible.How can I, when you…when he…_

 

 

_15 Sept 2074_

 

_I tried to explain to him that he wasn’t like this before - not queer.He said before doesn’t matter, he’s not that person anymore, and what the fuck is queer anyway?It’s stupid to complicate things with labels.Either I want to kiss him back or I don’t._

_I still don’t know._

_I feel guilty over you, Sam.I know you’d tell me it’s been two and a half years, move on, but I will never, ever get over you._

_And Bucky.He wasn’t this way, he didn’t like men.I don’t want him to do this just because it’s me, because he thinks I want or need it._

_What I want doesn’t matter._

_I know they did things to him.Even if he doesn’t talk about it, I know._

_I remember early on he asked me at least a dozen times if the sex you and I had was consensual.He didn’t think that kind of sex could be for anything but control._

_You said it was up to us to show him what a loving relationship was like, because he didn’t know anymore.They twisted him around so much._

_He watched us live and kiss and fight and I’m positive sometimes he watched us in bed, too, hidden.Eventually he understood.But understanding someone else’s relationship isn’t the same as being ready for his own, after what he’s gone through._

_He’s never tried, all these years.That tells me how daunting it is for him._

_You also said, time and time again, that I can’t make decisions for him.That people learn and grow when they make mistakes and fix them on their own.I know that, I do.But I’m so scared to be his mistake.And I don’t_ _EVER_ _want to be in his head in the same thought as Hydra.I wouldn’t be able to bear it, knowing I made him relive that._

_Oh, Buck, why couldn’t you have kissed me in 1935, when I realized I was head over heels for you?I would have done anything for this chance, then._

_Now I would do anything to keep from hurting you.But I don’t think there’s any way to avoid it, no matter how I choose.What is the lesser of two evils?_

 

 

_16 Sept 2074_

 

_I said no.He’s mad.Hurt, mostly._

_I never wanted to hurt him.But I feel like going through with it would hurt him more than this._

_He wants to leave for a little while.I understand.I’m going to try to be strong._

 

 

_30 Oct 2074_

 

_God, I miss you so much.Both of you._

 

 

_1 Jan 2075_

 

_Another year.Spending this one alone, I guess.I don’t think Bucky’s coming back._

 

 

_18 Feb 2075_

 

_Can you die of loneliness?_

_In my mind, it looks like a flesh-eating disease.Just chewing away.Chewing away till you’re nothing but bones._

 

 

_29 Mar 2075_

 

_I tried to teach myself how to do the carpentry like you did, Sam, but I’m no good at it.But I saw a thing on chainsaw art and I made a totem pole.Falcons, of course._

 

 

_8 May 2075_

 

_Three years._

 

 

_4 July 2075_

 

_157.Not that it matters.I don’t want to live another 157 seconds._

 

 

_5 July 2075_

 

_Dying of loneliness isn’t fast enough._

 

 

_7 July 2075_

 

_Why didn’t Bucky leave any guns?_

 

 

_9 July 2075_

 

_I tried to do it but I couldn’t.I just kept thinking, what if he finds me?What if Bucky finds me?What would it do to him?And a part of me says it would serve him right, but that part is small and ugly and just so tired._

 

 

_12 July 2075_

 

_I’ve been leaving all the plums to rot on the ground.It’s petty.I shouldn’t waste food._

 

 

_18 July 2075_

 

_I brought the extra plums to the market.I didn’t realize I hadn’t gone since Sam died.The regulars were all very sorry to hear of it, but glad to see me.One of them wants to make an arrangement with me.Part of it would be antique restoration, but the rest would be woodworking.He said not many people have the skills anymore.Machines can do it, but it isn’t the same._

_It felt good to talk to people again._

_I wasn’t alone.I just thought I was._

 

 

_1 Sept 2075_

 

_29 years of peace.Keep it going, world._

 

 

_6 Sept 2075_

 

_The people in town keep trying to feed me.I didn't realize I lost so much weight._

 

 

_30 Sept 2075_

 

_Gained some weight back, and started swimming again.It’ll be too cold soon, though._

 

 

_10 Oct 2075_

 

_I hope Bucky is okay, wherever he is.I hope he’s found someone who will kiss him.He deserves to be happy.I wish I could be that person, but I’ve only ever been trouble, for him._

 

 

_14 Nov 2075_

 

_I understand Thor a little better now.That look he’d sometimes get in his eyes, like he saw the timelines under our feet, like we were butterflies, beautiful but temporary.Beautiful because we were temporary.He smiled and he laughed, but I think a lot of the time, he was sad._

_I feel…_

_Like I am not one of them._

_Maybe it’s a barrier I put up myself.I don't know.Sam would._

 

 

_21 Dec 2075_

 

_I think I am going a little crazy.Tom Hanks on an island with a volleyball crazy.Is this my fate?Descend into madness?It doesn’t matter how many hobbies I take up, how many times I write in this journal, how often I go to town to try to convince myself that I’m a butterfly, too.I’m still alone, staring down the gauntlet of eternity._

_Maybe I’ll lay down in the snow under the plum trees and let myself freeze again._

 

 

Barnes’s handwriting: 

 

_25 Dec 2075_

 

_Stevie, I’m sorry.I didn’t know it was this bad.Please wake up._

 

 

_26 Dec 2075_

 

_I read it all.You’re so stupid._

 

 

_27 Dec 2075_

 

_He’s sick, like when he was small, lungs filling up.He wasn’t taking care of himself, that’s the only way he could be this sick._

 

_I AM THE STUPID ONE._

 

 

_30 Dec 2075_

 

_Fever broke.Maybe soon you’ll stop talking nonsense and believe I’m actually here._

 

 

_1 Jan 2076_

 

_You are not spending this year alone._

 

 

_2 Jan 2076_

 

_I love you more than you can possibly imagine, even though you peed on my foot today while I was helping you in the bathroom._

 

 

_4 Jan 2076_

 

_I wish you’d yell at me or something.You should be angry at me.I’m angry at me._

 

 

_5 Jan 2076_

 

_For fuck’s sake, just because you’re feeling a little better doesn’t mean you can go running.Idiot._

 

 

_10 Jan 2076_

 

_No, Steven, I will not give you back your journal until you can write something in it that isn’t morbid or depressing._

 

 

_14 Feb 2076_

 

_This used to be some sort of romantic holiday, right?Perfect time for you to finally be angry at me._

_Yes, Steve, I left you.Because I’m selfish and weak and just didn’t know how to cope.In my defense, though, you never said any of the things you wrote in here about why you rejected me.You just said, “No, Buck, we better not.”Was I supposed to read your mind?Was I supposed to understand the depth of it?I barely understand how to wash myself some mornings, pal._

_You’re right.It is daunting.Hydra fucked me up good.Yeah, they left no stone unturned when it came to breaking me down.There was never any hope for me, no glimmer of anything but the Soldier, until you.I remembered you.I don’t think you understand how powerful that is._

_You say I wasn’t ‘that way’, that I didn’t care for you like that, but I think that you’re probably wrong.I loved you.Had to have loved you.I don’t remember much of it, even now, but you were burned into my brain deeper than their machines could touch._

_Sam said to me once that there are a lot of different forms of love, and they can change from one to the other and back again.So what if the past wasn’t this?_

_You aren’t a mistake.You’ve never been a mistake._

_Please forgive me._

 

 

From there, their handwriting began to alternate.

 

_20 Feb 2076_

 

_You know, Buck, journals are for private and personal reflection._

 

 

_21 Feb 2076_

 

_Yeah, you privately and personally reflected yourself into an ice sculpture.Did you ever think of what that would do to my heart?Jesus._

 

 

_22 Feb 2076_

 

_All I ever thought about was your heart._

 

 

_23 Feb 2076_

 

_Peggy was right.You are dramatic._

 

 

_24 Feb 2076_

 

_Shut up and kiss me._

 

 

 

There was a long, long gap in time after that.Bruce smiled.They found their way.

 

 

 

_(?) June 2092_

 

_I should look at a calendar more often.It’s been a while._

 

_Bucky and I are…good.Really good._

 

_Maybe tracking the time was part of what was driving me crazy.When I think that it’s been 16 years since the last entry, it seems unreal.It doesn’t feel that long.Or that short.It’s just…_

 

_It’s just been._

 

 

 

_16 Aug 2096_

 

_Happy birthday, Sam._

 

 

 

_1 Sept 2096_

 

_Fifty years of peace.When will I believe it will stay this way?In a hundred years?Maybe._

 

 

_10 Mar 2117_

 

_Bucky is 200 years old.He’s got a little streak of gray in his hair, and some in his stubble, too.I joke with him that he’s starting to forget things, except I think it might not be a joke.Maybe it’s for the best.There are a lot of things he could stand to forget._

 

 

_4 July 2118_

 

_I’m 200 years old.It’s been a long time, and at the same time it hasn’t.I’ve gone a little gray, too, and I feel stiff when I first wake up.Sam said that started happening to him around fifty.Is this halfway through for me?200 more to go?I don’t know what to make of that._

 

 

_18 May 2119_

 

_Bucky IS forgetting.I wasn’t imagining it._

 

 

_4 Feb 2120_

 

_Today Bucky asked me why he has a metal arm. (!!!!!!!)_

 

_I told him the truth.Or as much of it as I could bear._

 

 

_1 Sept 2121_

 

_75 years of peace.Impressive._

 

 

_2 Feb 2122_

 

_We got married today.Bucky liked the date. 2-2-22.Said there was no better time for second chances._

 

 

_19 Aug 2123_

 

_J’écris en français parce qu'il ne se souvient pas.Il a parlé 12 langues.Seul l'anglais et le russe restent._

 

_Sa mémoire du passé était irrégulière, mais il se souvint de nouvelles choses.Pas maintenant.J'ai recherché. Tous les symptômes indiquent la démence._

 

_Je savais, après tout ce qu'il a subi…après les dommages à son cerveau…_

 

_Mais il est heureux. La vie est facile sans démons._

 

 

_11 Nov 2127_

 

_I woke up this morning with Bucky next to me, but no longer there._

 

_I don’t feel the same way I did with Sam.I feel…_

 

_Empty._

 

_I knew it was coming.He was getting worse.Forgetting to eat, losing thoughts mid-sentence.He didn’t know my name, sometimes, though his eyes always recognized me._

 

_I don’t know how long I’ll recognize myself, without him._

 

 

The next entry was a drawing of Barnes.He looked relaxed and content in death, right hand folded over the left. 

 

 

_I am no carpenter but I built the box myself.Wrapped you in muslin and flowers and comfort.The ground was hard and cold but it yielded, it gave way for you.Like me._

 

 

Then there was a self-portrait, Steve as Bruce remembered him from his last visit.Bearded, strong, in the world but slowly ceasing to be of it.

There were infrequent entries after that, but they became harder and harder to read.English faded because he had no one to speak it to; everything after the year 2129 was in French.Occasionally a word or a phrase would punch through, until…

 

_12 July 2135_

 

_Bruce came to see me today.It was like a dream.I had to remind myself how to talk to another person.And in what language.Anglais, anglais…English._

_I don’t understand why, but it felt like he was disappointed in me._

 

 

Oh, Steve.That wasn’t it. 

Steve had always been the most respectful of his desire to be left alone, so Bruce hadn’t gone even after he heard rumors of a man in the south of France who didn’t age. _Un homme fort, un immortel._ But after a while he couldn’t resist.

The things in his journal were so familiar, so known to him.Bruce had come to see if Steve had any idea how to end it.He did, he knew that now; but in the moment Bruce saw something different.He saw a man who wasn’t ready.A man who still waited for something.

So he left, question unasked.

 

 

_31 Oct 2135_

 

_The people in town are afraid of me, I think.They’ve figured out that I’ve been here too long, that I don’t age.Only the old ones talk to me now._

_Soon they’ll be gone._

 

 

_3 Dec 2135_

 

_One of them knows who I was.He had a picture from a history book._

 

_They all know now._

 

_They are still afraid of me.After all, I was a tool of war.After 89 years of peace, they don’t want to believe I exist._

 

_I can’t really help that, my friends._

 

 

_1 Apr 2137_

 

_They come to get me sometimes, when there’s a problem that needs solving.Not war, but regular human calamity.It’s nice to be useful._

 

 

_18 Nov 2140_

 

_The trouble with living so long is that your world fills up with anniversaries.There is no month, no week, hardly a day without significance.And you can’t forget those things, when they’re bone deep._

 

_Every January I remember marrying Sam, way back in 2017.It was after the ratification of the Sokovia Accords.I remember kissing him on camera after I proposed, knowing it was as much an act of defiance as it was of love._

_Sometimes a system has to be allowed to fail.Every January I think about those dark times.I did what I could to help, protesting, coordinating safehouses, ferrying people to countries that did not support the Accords or the Registration Act, and forging IDs and papers.  I got to be good at lying.  I became a criminal.  Bucky used to laugh so hard, tallying my felonies.  Never mind that he was racking them up right next to me._

_It was no victory to hear Tony say I was right, years later.No victory at all._

_I try to remember more of Sam, honestly.The way he looked on our wedding night.The things he said, the way he made me feel.The honeymoon, which was really just coming home.He thought it was this place, but it was him._

 

 

_Every February, well…there are so many things to remember.In February 1945 Bucky died and I went into the ice. In February 2122 Bucky and I got married.Always about second chances, with him._

_I read that sometimes people with dementia get mean, lost as they are, but he was never like that.He got calmer, sweeter, less weighed down because he forgot the things that pulled at him.His own second chance, although I’m not sure he really had a first._

_I miss him.I miss his voice, his eyes, the way I could never pull one over on him even when his brain became like a child’s.I miss his hands on me, miss him in me.We didn’t have a lot of sex at first - that wasn’t what it was about - but as he forgot fear and pain he remembered desire.We remembered it together, until he couldn’t recall me as anything but his best pal Stevie and forgot to want._

 

 

_March, Bucky’s birthday.Natasha’s death, too.She lived to be 96.Clint’s kids took care of her the last few years.They said she liked her vodka and her guns right up to the last day.That funeral I went to.That day I wept.March 24, 2081.She looked twenty years younger than she was, just like Sam._

 

 

_April was my mother’s birthday.The first, April Fools’ Day, in 1895.She saw one century turn before dying far too young; I have seen too many centuries and will die far too old._

_April was also when I came out of the ice.April 11, 2012.To this day, I have never been more frightened in my life._

_I met Sam April 13, 2014.I was attracted to him right away.We had dinner April 15 and he tried to kiss me and I panicked.That could have been the end of it, but Sam knew how to ‘handle my bullshit’, as he put it._

_On April 17, 2014, I found out that Bucky was alive.I also found out what Hydra had done to him.On April 18, 2014, Hydra tried to launch Project Insight.Bucky shot me three times, stabbed me once, broke my face, and then kept me from drowning._

 

 

_Sam died in May.It was a beautiful day.I made coq au vin and Bucky baked bread and it felt like heaven.But Sam never got to eat that meal._

_Tony died in May, also.He swore the suit could handle the radiation, like Bruce and me.I should have known he was lying.He died of cancer, May 29, 2049.It was his 79th birthday.He looked twenty years older than he was._

 

 

_June 1942 was when the SSR took me.I was happy to have a chance.Didn’t know what awaited me.The decisions of a young man who knew nothing…_

_Marcus Aurelius said, “What we do now echoes in eternity.”_

_I’m echoing still, because of that day._

_But on the brighter side, I met Peggy._

_I also realized I was in love with Sam in June of 2014, and we bought our place here in France on June 20, 2015._

 

 

_July.My birthday, America’s birthday, what pomp and circumstance._

_Clint died July 18, 2044.He shouldn’t have been there.No one ever let him retire for more than a few years at a time.He should have been home with his family, his grandchildren, watching the war on tv like everyone else.I know that after me, he became the best tactician we had, and we might not have won the war without him, but I still wish he had died at home when he was biologically meant to.Of all people, he didn’t deserve to go like that._

_I don’t really like July very much._

 

 

_August 16 is Sam’s birthday.I drink a little toast to him every year._

_In August of 1942, I let the government turn me into Captain America.It hurt like hell.It felt like being ripped in half and dipped in salt while it happened. But the whole time I was thinking, this is a fight I can win because it’s with myself, with shrimpy, poxy Steve Rogers, and I ain’t gonna be him no more._

_Got a little more than I bargained for, that’s for sure._

_Tony and Pepper’s daughter was born August 23, 2020.They got married after the crisis with the Infinity Stones, and had Stephanie Maria Stark.Tony told me not to read into it.Pepper told me the opposite.Rhodey was her godfather, but I was her “backup godfather” in case anything ever happened to him._

_Stephanie died of breast cancer.I don’t remember the date.She had three children, though.Starks still run free across the earth, Lord help us.I think of them in August._

 

 

_September._

_September 1939, my mother died of tuberculosis.She was 44 years old._

_September of 1943, I landed in Italy._

_September 2016, a man wearing Bucky’s face blew up a UN summit in Vienna.A prince from Wakanda tried to kill Bucky 6 times before we convinced him that it wasn’t Bucky who’d done it.The man who had set off that bomb then unleashed five other super soldiers on us, with orders to kill the Avengers.It took almost two months to clean up that mess, and every one of us took hits.Tony, especially.He knew his parents had been killed by the Winter Soldier because I told him, but it was a blow to be made to watch it.Zemo thought he could finish us if we fell apart, if we fought among ourselves - we were already on our way, with the Accords hanging over us - but instead we closed ranks, and with the help of T’Challa, we won.Of course the damage was already done; the world went ahead and ratified the Sokovia Accords and Mutant and Enhanced Registration Act, terrified by the strength of those five soldiers._

 

 

 

_October 2019 was the last time I ever saw Thor.I know he’s alive somewhere, dealing in bigger things than human melodrama.After convincing Jane to leave Earth, and with the open hostility for mutants, enhanced individuals, and off-worlders in full swing, he had no reason to be here anymore.Maybe I’ll see him again someday.Or maybe the closest I’ll get is the lightning._

_On October 27, 2020, Wanda Maximoff was killed at an anti-registration protest.Pietro died a fugitive decades later; he killed the man who killed her and then disappeared.If you ask me, he was probably living with Clint the whole time._

_Vision disappeared around that time, too.Tony told me later that he felt responsible for Wanda’s death, because he supported the Accords and the Registration Act._

_October 2046 was the last time I saw Bruce, before he visited me back in 2135.The war was over for him, too._

 

 

_November 10, 2024, the Sokovia Accords were nullified and all laws related to mutant and enhanced registration were repealed.It’s estimated that more than 30,000 mutants and enhanced individuals died in the eight years they were in effect.It’s also estimated that 5 million people worldwide could have been saved by those same individuals, had they been allowed to use their abilities openly.That’s to say nothing of those who were forced by various governments to use their abilities to harm others, because that happened, too.More Buckys.More Pietros.More people who never asked to be different, suffering._

_November 18, 2040, World War III began.It’s the hundredth anniversary, which is why I got to thinking about anniversaries and am rambling on like this._

_Of course there’s Bucky, who left me in November, 13 years ago now.13 years alone._

 

 

_There’s nothing, really, in December.Oh, except Peter Parker, who died in the nuclear attack on New York City in 2043.Brooklyn and Queens were hit hardest, though lower Manhattan didn’t fare well, either._

_December means Christmas, I guess.There are lots of memories, good and bad.What I remember most, though, was laying down under the plum trees in 2075 and thinking how much easier it was to freeze than thaw._

 

 

_What am I waiting for?I don’t know._

 

 

 

 

 

After that, there was only the last entry.The one he’d read first.

 

_I have lived a hundred years without war._

 

That was what he was waiting for.

 

Bruce smiled and closed the journal.Then he got up and went to the pantry.There was at least ten years’ worth of food in there, expertly canned and pickled.Some meat, too, dried beef and fish.In the back corner there were two fishing poles and a tackle box with every hook and weight and lure a person could want.

With the solar panels on the roof, the cistern, the overgrown but salvageable garden, and everything else Steve left behind, Bruce could live here for a long time.He picked out a jar of blueberry preserves - he had not had blueberries in ages - and ate right from it with a spoon.And as he savored the sweet-tart perfection, he felt, for the first time in a long time, that today he could live without trying to figure out how to die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> translation of the journal entry en francais:
> 
> I write in French because he doesn’t remember. He spoke 12 languages. Only English and Russian remain. His memory was always irregular, but he remembered new things. Not anymore. I’ve researched. All his symptoms indicate dementia. I knew, after all he suffered…after the damage to his brain…but he is happy. Life is easy without demons.


	3. Chapter 3

III.

 

“Monsieur!Monsieur!”

The shouts woke him.Groggy, Bruce lifted his head.He’d fallen asleep reading a well-thumbed paperback.He hadn’t seen actual books in almost a century.

“Aidez-nous, s'il vous plaît!”

He was really going to have to learn French if he lived here.

Someone pounded at the door. 

_You don’t have to answer_ , he thought. _No one’s lived here for two years, they must know that._

“Monsieur, ils mourront!” the man shouted.“They will die!”

Damn it.He had to switch to English, didn’t he.Bruce shook his head.Tell Steve anyone was dying and he’d be there.

It had been a long time since Bruce concerned himself with others.He tried to protect them from himself for a long time, and then the Sokovia Accords and the Registration Act led to people openly hunting for him.To say he got a bad taste in his mouth for humanity was an understatement.The only reason he went back to fight the war was because Steve and Natasha asked him to.They didn’t even ask him to fight on the front lines, just to help with recovery after bombings.Steve was the only one who could go into a hot zone; on account of being inundated with vita-rays, he seemed immune to radiation.But one man could only do so much.He hated not being able to get to people in time.

Logic followed that Bruce’s overdose of gamma rays might make him immune to radiation, too.Bruce said yes for Steve.Tony insisted, also, convinced his suit was radiation-proof, but he was wrong.Idiot or martyr.To this day, Bruce wasn’t sure which.He supposed it could be both.

“Please, sir!If you are there, you must help.There was an earthquake, people are trapped!”

Had he literally slept through an earthquake?

“You’re slacking, big guy,” he murmured to himself.He’d been more dormant since the war.Maybe he wasn’t immune to radiation, after all.

Bruce got up.What harm could it do?

He opened the door.The man on the path was in his forties, sweaty and wide-eyed.He took a step back.Clearly, Bruce wasn’t who he expected to see.His brow creased.

“Vous…Vous êtes l'homme fort? Le capitaine?”

Those words he knew.Bruce dug deep for his high school French.

“Pas le capitaine.Mais oui, un homme fort.”

The man considered him.“You will… you will help?”

His accent was that bad, huh. 

“Yes.I’ll help.”

 

 

 

_26 July 2148_

 

_Steve swam to Corsica.It’s just me left now._

 

_They came looking for the strong man._

 

_I guess he’ll stay here, for just a little bit longer._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> French translations:
> 
> "Monsieur! Monsieur! Aidez-nous, s'il vous plaît! Ils mourront!” - Sir! Sir! Help us, please! They will die!  
> “Vous…Vous êtes l'homme fort? Le capitaine?” - You are the strong man? The captain?  
> “Pas le capitaine. Mais oui, un homme fort.” - Not the captain. But yes, a strong man.

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for nothing. I love this ficlet. 
> 
> That said, there will be a smutty Steve/Bucky one-shot after this to make up for the heavy dose of sads in this one.


End file.
